the life of lovely
I was not able to earn money on YouTube for publishing content. I mean advertising revenue. Neither am I able to acquire money on WordPress.
Such is dismal.
I’m glad I receive the disability pension. It gives me what I need to live.
Sure wish I had business ideas. Sure wish I could start my own business. But I have no business knowledge.
I’m primitive.
I read on a news article that Australians feel increasing hopelessness and despair. The Covid lockdowns in 2020 exacerbated already present issues.
We are getting more and more lonely, as more and more people become morally bankrupt. As 90% of men are falling behind in life, while the top 10% of men get all the women.
I have the humility to not want to date at all, and to be dedicated to the Lord. Even though I have female friends, I don’t initiate relationships with them.
What must be done? Everyone must cultivate humility, because people aren’t going to respect you, people won’t respect your boundaries, so you might as well forgive.
This is what I’ve found that has happened to me, even when going to the holy communities of God. Everywhere is an opportunity to be dishonoured, and to cultivate additional humility.
As Satan was bound and cast out of heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise, we must have humility.
I had an Indian support worker today. I was very grateful for his counsel. Towards the end of the shift, we played table tennis at my house.
I was so worried he’d get injured, because I had a bad dream the previous night. Luckily, he left without a single problem. He has a lot of positive energy.
My friend from the Russian Church might of encountered a hiccup on the road. She called me while she was driving while her partner held the phone. I felt something bad would happen. But then she said ‘I’ll call you back.’ I tried calling her at home, but she didn’t pick up. I hope she and her partner are alright!
The Indian support worker opened my mind to positive energy. I was telling my dad, on the way to the local library, that he was very positive, because a core Christian belief is centred around, ‘repent, or go to hell.’ This belief makes me very depressed. Fortunately, my Indian support worker was a Hindu, so he did not have this belief, so he was very positive.
I still have music in my head going on from Miami Vice. I watched a soundtrack of it on YouTube.
I discussed some Urdu words I knew with my support worker. I asked about ‘Yam Doot.’ He knew about them. Yam Doot are demons from Hinduism. I knew that because they were mentioned in the Orthodox work ‘The soul after death’ by Blessed Seraphim Rose.
According to Seraphim Rose, Indians take religion and spirituality very seriously compared to people in the West. So some Indians, whose conscience accuses them, see Yam Doot coming for the soul on their death bed.
God bless this life. May God be blessed for creating me, I am very fearful of my own departure from life, but please Lord Jesus, have mercy on me!
I have a dry mouth now, as I gorged on food a little today. I had a whopper at about 5pm today. I didn’t drink any caffeine today, which was good. I had a little sleep in the evening.
Now it is about 10:30pm. I’m hoping I’ll get to sleep soon. I may be experiencing cognitive impairments due to going from an injectable form of the anti-psychotic to a tablet form.
Deary me, WordPress corrected my spelling for ‘injectable.’ I seriously am not good at spelling anymore.
I was listening on YouTube to some music from a 1980s crime sitcom called Miami Vice. It is playing in my head right now as a song stuck in my head.
I really wish I was more able to cope with life. I hope life gets easier for me.
I crossed over from an injectable form of my anti-psychotic to an oral form of the anti-psychotic. It has been long overdue.
My psychiatrist explained to me that recently, psychiatrists found that schizophrenics were likely to forget their tablets routinely, so there has been a push to have schizophrenics on depot (injectable) anti-psychotics.
I guess my positive energy has grown to the point where I am assertive enough to complain, then inevitably get my needs met.
It’s been a long time coming. I’ve been on the depot since 2017 recently, and a 100mg depot of Invega Sustenna from 2012 to 2015.
I do need to have better forms of assertive communications.
First night of taking the tablet is lonely. I hope my prospects in life improve.
I wouldn’t recommend anybody join cadets, not unless you are brave, tough, and good at following orders.
I spent 7 months in cadets before I came down with schizophrenia. Why do I say schizophrenia instead of schizoaffective disorder? They are the same thing under DSM 4 or 5, can’t remember which. DSM is a manual for grading mental health disorders.
I surely wish I had wanted to live back then. Why didn’t I seek mental health treatment?
I went into cadets, because I wanted to be killed in battle. The pain from my mental illness was too difficult to manage.
My first suicide attempt was in 2006, just after 7 months of being in cadets. I really didn’t like cadets.
I sure wish I didn’t have mental illness.
Maybe I nurse too many grudges.
I just can’t seem to move on in life. I am stuck in the past.
After my 2012 ECTs, I never went back to work. After my 2017 ECTs, I never went back to study. ECT is shock treatment. Usually performed in a mental hospital.
I’m not going anywhere in life. I want to die, but I know that is when I go to hell to be punished.
God typically doesn’t understand disability.
I need to feel happy again. I need a break from the continuous depressed mood. Some say it is the dark night of the soul. I just wish it would go away.
Even though I take heavy doses of anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, I still have trouble feeling ok, particularly when I’m at home on my bed, staring at the ceiling.
I try to cope. I maintain celibacy. I try not to inconvenience women. I try not to bother others at the library. But I’m so lonely.
Bah, most of my posts are garbage. I’m surprised I have enough megabytes on WordPress for all my pictures and YouTube links.
I feel lonely this Christmas. I know that if I take extra medication, I will remain very overweight. But if I stay off extra meds long enough, I will start losing weight at a moderate rate.
I sincerely wish I could have a good amount of self-control. I’m usually upset, even though I’m drugged up. Even twice the normal dose of anti-depressant doesn’t do much for me.
Here is a video of me doing push ups at a very heavy weight.
I feel especially lonely this Christmas. I don’t know why. The thoughts that go through my mind are: I can not stop judging others, will Jesus forgive me?
I have departed far from the Holy Spirit. I hope others can somehow find the Holy Spirit. Maybe if you find the Holy Spirit, tell Him to heal me, I am sorely vexed by my schizophrenia.
When I came down with mental illness in 2006, I knew that was the end. I knew I couldn’t cope. From then on, I knew I couldn’t cope without medication.
I hallucinated a lot in 2012 and 2017. I was at my worst and weirdest in 2017. I sorely wish sometimes that my illness would go away. But it doesn’t.
I hope God has mercy on us all.
Lovely's blog 