the life of lovely
I was not able to earn money on YouTube for publishing content. I mean advertising revenue. Neither am I able to acquire money on WordPress.
Such is dismal.
I’m glad I receive the disability pension. It gives me what I need to live.
Sure wish I had business ideas. Sure wish I could start my own business. But I have no business knowledge.
I’m primitive.
I read on a news article that Australians feel increasing hopelessness and despair. The Covid lockdowns in 2020 exacerbated already present issues.
We are getting more and more lonely, as more and more people become morally bankrupt. As 90% of men are falling behind in life, while the top 10% of men get all the women.
I have the humility to not want to date at all, and to be dedicated to the Lord. Even though I have female friends, I don’t initiate relationships with them.
What must be done? Everyone must cultivate humility, because people aren’t going to respect you, people won’t respect your boundaries, so you might as well forgive.
This is what I’ve found that has happened to me, even when going to the holy communities of God. Everywhere is an opportunity to be dishonoured, and to cultivate additional humility.
As Satan was bound and cast out of heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise, we must have humility.
I have made a few people uncomfortable in my life.
When people ask what I do, I just say ‘I’m a schizophrenic on a pension.’ That in itself is a conversation stopper.
I remember my dream. I was back at my paternal grandpa’s house, and my cousin was saying ‘you conquered the demon!’ I felt like I was falling into pride, so I was uncomfortable when I got up.
I had a bad day today. Although I have a few friends, I still feel lonely.
I wish I could of been a better person. But with the severity of my disability, there is no way I could of worked.
I’m not an incel. I practise voluntary celibacy, so as not to inconvenience women. I’m a burden on them.
Sure wish I had somewhere to go where I could make new friends.
I try not to have a problem with Buddhism. I enjoy meditating, if I am in the mood to squash my ego for the day. But deep egolessness, that is far from my mental state.
I don’t know much about Buddhism. I have a friend who is Buddhist. She teaches me humility.
But regardless of whether I’m new age, Buddhist, or Christian, my life isn’t going anywhere. I sure wish I had goals and ambitions. But I prefer to play it safe.
Today I felt so lonely that I felt like presenting at mental health emergency. But mom told me not to do it, as I’d have to wait 10 hours to get seen.
I did pray for my enemies today. But it was only a temporary feeling.
Sure wish the women at the church would wish to spend time with me. I guess I’d like to have male friends too. But both men and women at my church feel uncomfortable around me.
I wish I could cry, but my anti-depressants stop me from doing so.
It’s a warm night in summer here down-under. I sure wish I had hope of a future.
I have maybe 8 friends. I am very lonely, I rarely get to see my friends, as they don’t own cars, and they live on pensions like I do.
I hope I can cultivate some form of positive energy, and prepare worthily for my eventual death.
My heart is full of cholesterol. I don’t think I’ll last long.
Bah, most of my posts are garbage. I’m surprised I have enough megabytes on WordPress for all my pictures and YouTube links.
I feel lonely this Christmas. I know that if I take extra medication, I will remain very overweight. But if I stay off extra meds long enough, I will start losing weight at a moderate rate.
I sincerely wish I could have a good amount of self-control. I’m usually upset, even though I’m drugged up. Even twice the normal dose of anti-depressant doesn’t do much for me.
Here is a video of me doing push ups at a very heavy weight.
I feel especially lonely this Christmas. I don’t know why. The thoughts that go through my mind are: I can not stop judging others, will Jesus forgive me?
I have departed far from the Holy Spirit. I hope others can somehow find the Holy Spirit. Maybe if you find the Holy Spirit, tell Him to heal me, I am sorely vexed by my schizophrenia.
When I came down with mental illness in 2006, I knew that was the end. I knew I couldn’t cope. From then on, I knew I couldn’t cope without medication.
I hallucinated a lot in 2012 and 2017. I was at my worst and weirdest in 2017. I sorely wish sometimes that my illness would go away. But it doesn’t.
I hope God has mercy on us all.
I could think less about true love, and focus on the joys of celibacy, as described by St Paul in 1st Corinthians 7, I believe. Correct me if I’m wrong.
Not that I have a choice. I’m not game enough to ask out one of my female friends. I worry they may actually fall in love with me. It’s very difficult for a lady to fall out of love with a man. A man can sort of ‘put the woman away,’ which is not ethical. I personally believe that a man should try to support his partner, especially if she is in critical necessity.
I’m not rich. I don’t even earn money on WordPress. Maybe I’ll upgrade my account later, once I get more subscribers. Right now I’m winging it, hoping my blog will blow up.
I feel so lonely, even though I think humbly, and I try to be merciful, even to people who are not nice to me. God has given me many admirable character traits, it seems.
It will be the best blessing to be able to die one moment and wake up in heaven the next.
In my opinion, so few people will get to heaven. Maybe I’m just a harsh judge.
As I judge, so too will I be judged. As I condemn others, so too will I be condemned.
I still have trouble forgiving, only on the times when I’m in emotional pain, and I’m drained of energy. Such is my frame of mind while I write this post.
I can forget the injustices mostly when I’m distracted, or when I have hope for today.
Tonight I’m worried about falling asleep. I’ve had insomnia for the last 2 nights, even though I’ve taken extra medication to calm my mind.
I’m trying to keep going, but what of my life? I have no goals or ambitions. I never worked after my rounds of shock treatment in 2012. I never studied again after my rounds of shock treatment in 2017. I sure wish I could cope in life without ECTs or medication.
Christmas is almost here! I got my depot today. My doctor had a lot of advice for me. But I might not put it into practice.
There is nothing to do in this city. You are either working or studying, you are not suffering from a mental illness. Guess no city caters for the mentally ill.
But either way, I feel depressed. I had anti depressants, anti psychotics, and coffee and tea, and I still feel blue. Guess that is how my brain is wired.
I miss the years before 2005. I miss the years before I had to take medication long term. Life was better, even at high school, because at least I’d have an activity that I could do.
Life is quite lonely now. I really wish I wasn’t expelled from high school. I wish I could of left on my own.
But either way, life is depressing. I might go practice contemplation, if I can.
God bless you all.
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