the life of lovely
I was not able to earn money on YouTube for publishing content. I mean advertising revenue. Neither am I able to acquire money on WordPress.
Such is dismal.
I’m glad I receive the disability pension. It gives me what I need to live.
Sure wish I had business ideas. Sure wish I could start my own business. But I have no business knowledge.
I’m primitive.
If you want more discipline, don’t overdo it, unless you already have the potential to be very disciplined for very long periods of time. I just say baby steps.
What do you want to achieve? What do you like to do? What healthy habits do you want to cultivate?
I’m 34 years old, not too old and not too young. I still am able to do 10 minutes of gentle stretches or 10 minutes of Qi Gong. I am obese, but I am more motivated than most people my age, especially non-reformed doomers.
Today, I went to church for a Compline Service. It is a service particular to Orthodox Lent. May the 5th is our Easter this year.
Even though I suffer pain in my heels and calves from standing up for more than 5 minutes at a time, I managed to stand up for most of the Compline Service. It was 1 hour long. I can thank my supports for allowing me to stand up for at least 30 minutes of the service.
I pray from a prayer book 1 to 3 times a day, depending on how I feel. I practice meditations thinking positive thoughts about those who’ve been hard on me.
If I do intense exercise, like shadow boxing or push ups, I tend to lose appetite.
I tend to pray 3 times a day from an Orthodox prayer book. I say the Jesus prayer for roughly 10 minutes per day.
Even though I am not working, I feel I could do additional things to improve myself, to incorporate into my self-care routine.
I will practice tai chi at least 10 minutes a day. I will practice gentle stretches at least 10 minutes a day.
Maybe I will go back to learning how to write Chinese characters.
Well, a little self improvement is better than nothing.
I have made a few people uncomfortable in my life.
When people ask what I do, I just say ‘I’m a schizophrenic on a pension.’ That in itself is a conversation stopper.
I remember my dream. I was back at my paternal grandpa’s house, and my cousin was saying ‘you conquered the demon!’ I felt like I was falling into pride, so I was uncomfortable when I got up.
I had a bad day today. Although I have a few friends, I still feel lonely.
I wish I could of been a better person. But with the severity of my disability, there is no way I could of worked.
I’m not an incel. I practise voluntary celibacy, so as not to inconvenience women. I’m a burden on them.
Sure wish I had somewhere to go where I could make new friends.
I had an Indian support worker today. I was very grateful for his counsel. Towards the end of the shift, we played table tennis at my house.
I was so worried he’d get injured, because I had a bad dream the previous night. Luckily, he left without a single problem. He has a lot of positive energy.
My friend from the Russian Church might of encountered a hiccup on the road. She called me while she was driving while her partner held the phone. I felt something bad would happen. But then she said ‘I’ll call you back.’ I tried calling her at home, but she didn’t pick up. I hope she and her partner are alright!
The Indian support worker opened my mind to positive energy. I was telling my dad, on the way to the local library, that he was very positive, because a core Christian belief is centred around, ‘repent, or go to hell.’ This belief makes me very depressed. Fortunately, my Indian support worker was a Hindu, so he did not have this belief, so he was very positive.
I still have music in my head going on from Miami Vice. I watched a soundtrack of it on YouTube.
I discussed some Urdu words I knew with my support worker. I asked about ‘Yam Doot.’ He knew about them. Yam Doot are demons from Hinduism. I knew that because they were mentioned in the Orthodox work ‘The soul after death’ by Blessed Seraphim Rose.
According to Seraphim Rose, Indians take religion and spirituality very seriously compared to people in the West. So some Indians, whose conscience accuses them, see Yam Doot coming for the soul on their death bed.
God bless this life. May God be blessed for creating me, I am very fearful of my own departure from life, but please Lord Jesus, have mercy on me!
I have a dry mouth now, as I gorged on food a little today. I had a whopper at about 5pm today. I didn’t drink any caffeine today, which was good. I had a little sleep in the evening.
Now it is about 10:30pm. I’m hoping I’ll get to sleep soon. I may be experiencing cognitive impairments due to going from an injectable form of the anti-psychotic to a tablet form.
Deary me, WordPress corrected my spelling for ‘injectable.’ I seriously am not good at spelling anymore.
I was listening on YouTube to some music from a 1980s crime sitcom called Miami Vice. It is playing in my head right now as a song stuck in my head.
I really wish I was more able to cope with life. I hope life gets easier for me.
Futility is a word that describes me. But wait, there’s more! I am not as futile as I used to be, but futile is the way I’ve felt most of my mentally ill years, up to about a week ago.
What’s changed? I went from an injection form of the anti-psychotic to a tablet form of the anti-psychotic. I feel a little negative sometimes, but I try to forgive others.
What’s the point of living? My friends and family. Those who I share Christian faith with. I like advising people about their own mental health struggles.
I have a few pleasures. Such as reading, PC gaming, gaming on my iPad, going to libraries.
Recently I went on a holiday that was funded by the National Disability Insurance Scheme, or NDIS for short. Even though it wasn’t perfect, I enjoyed the discipline. I treated it like a cadet camp.
I crossed over from an injectable form of my anti-psychotic to an oral form of the anti-psychotic. It has been long overdue.
My psychiatrist explained to me that recently, psychiatrists found that schizophrenics were likely to forget their tablets routinely, so there has been a push to have schizophrenics on depot (injectable) anti-psychotics.
I guess my positive energy has grown to the point where I am assertive enough to complain, then inevitably get my needs met.
It’s been a long time coming. I’ve been on the depot since 2017 recently, and a 100mg depot of Invega Sustenna from 2012 to 2015.
I do need to have better forms of assertive communications.
First night of taking the tablet is lonely. I hope my prospects in life improve.
I think I read something in the online news that the government of Australia is trying to crack down on dole bludgers. Dole bludgers is a term meaning a person who lives on unemployment benefits when they could be working.
I’m not a dole bludger. I’m a schizophrenic on a pension. There have been little to no improvements in the treatment of schizophrenia, and the job prospects of people with autism and schizoaffective disorder are essentially none.
Tax the wealthy, you stupid government! Tax the multinationals! Invent better medication that treats not only the positive symptoms of schizophrenia, but the negative symptoms as well!
Otherwise, stop complaining.
My father has looked after me all my life. Even when I came down with schizoaffective disorder in 2006, him and mum still didn’t give up on me.
He still went to work, even though he didn’t enjoy it. He provided for me and mum, even though I was burdensome to him.
I never expected to ever be this fat when I was 15 years old at 60kg. My weight is something like 123kg now, the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’m ashamed of myself.
Life goes on, but for me, not much longer unless I lose a lot of weight.
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