the life of lovely
I was not able to earn money on YouTube for publishing content. I mean advertising revenue. Neither am I able to acquire money on WordPress.
Such is dismal.
I’m glad I receive the disability pension. It gives me what I need to live.
Sure wish I had business ideas. Sure wish I could start my own business. But I have no business knowledge.
I’m primitive.
I read on a news article that Australians feel increasing hopelessness and despair. The Covid lockdowns in 2020 exacerbated already present issues.
We are getting more and more lonely, as more and more people become morally bankrupt. As 90% of men are falling behind in life, while the top 10% of men get all the women.
I have the humility to not want to date at all, and to be dedicated to the Lord. Even though I have female friends, I don’t initiate relationships with them.
What must be done? Everyone must cultivate humility, because people aren’t going to respect you, people won’t respect your boundaries, so you might as well forgive.
This is what I’ve found that has happened to me, even when going to the holy communities of God. Everywhere is an opportunity to be dishonoured, and to cultivate additional humility.
As Satan was bound and cast out of heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise, we must have humility.
If you want more discipline, don’t overdo it, unless you already have the potential to be very disciplined for very long periods of time. I just say baby steps.
What do you want to achieve? What do you like to do? What healthy habits do you want to cultivate?
I’m 34 years old, not too old and not too young. I still am able to do 10 minutes of gentle stretches or 10 minutes of Qi Gong. I am obese, but I am more motivated than most people my age, especially non-reformed doomers.
Today, I went to church for a Compline Service. It is a service particular to Orthodox Lent. May the 5th is our Easter this year.
Even though I suffer pain in my heels and calves from standing up for more than 5 minutes at a time, I managed to stand up for most of the Compline Service. It was 1 hour long. I can thank my supports for allowing me to stand up for at least 30 minutes of the service.
I pray from a prayer book 1 to 3 times a day, depending on how I feel. I practice meditations thinking positive thoughts about those who’ve been hard on me.
If I do intense exercise, like shadow boxing or push ups, I tend to lose appetite.
Here is my life, being a sub-five on the looks scale. When I was a teenager, before I had to go on medication for schizophrenia, I was a 3 out of 10 on the looks scale, because I was 60kg and 180cm tall.
Now, being roughly 120kg and 180cm tall, I am now a 1 out of 10 on the looks scale. I have a huge belly. It is a medication belly. If I reduce medication, I’ll end up in the mental hospital, where they will put me on more fat pills.
Fat pills are anti-psychotics, because the newer generation of anti-psychotics almost always cause weight gain. I wouldn’t take them if I didn’t need to. But if I don’t take them, I could get seriously unwell.
I remember when I was acutely unwell in 2017, I dropped down to 89kg. But that wasn’t enough, because I gained a whole lot more by taking more medication than needed.
Plus, I’m a sub five, as women will not even consider me, because I don’t have a job. They may be willing to overlook my jobless status if I were a chad, then I could be eye candy.
I’m guilty of attempting to start conversations with many strangers in public, notably female strangers.
I apologize for not being chad enough to be able to pull women.
I remember I was at the automated checkout, and I was trying to go between an asian couple who were at opposite registers, and the hot lady wasn’t looking where she was going, and walked into me, trying to get to her husband. How embarrassing for her, to bump into a sub-five, overweight man.
When I was 100kg, I started a conversation with a japanese lady by saying ‘excuse me, do all the trains go back into the city?’ And so I found out where she was from, and spoke a little japanese to her. I was still a sub five back then, in 2017.
I apologize for being ugly. I apologize for having a sex drive. I apologize for existing. I apologize for being a man.
Ist Samuel 16:14: And the spirit of the Lord departed from Saul, and was replaced by an unclean spirit.
The spirit of the Lord is the Holy Spirit. While there are some theological reasons why Saul had the Holy Spirit in the first place, and to why the Holy Spirit left him, I’m not sure as to the theological reasons. Most Orthodox Christians do not associate this verse with their daily life.
When I got mentally ill for the first time in February 2006, I just couldn’t survive anymore. My brain was wrecked from lack of sleep, my soul was embarrassed because I couldn’t shut up about my theological beliefs in high school. I had made a lot of enemies at high school.
I think my enemies were glad when I got expelled in 2007 for issues relating to my mental health. The year level co ordinator said to my mother ‘we don’t have the resources to cater for someone with your child’s disability.’
They did me a favor, though I would laugh if my enemies went to hell. It wouldn’t surprise me. What would surprise me is if anybody from my old high school got into heaven.
I’m the surest bet for somebody from state high getting into heaven. The average BSHS student was full of pride and ego. I make fun of that acronym, calling it Bull Shit High School. A lot of the other students there were not too happy about my expulsion either.
When I had my first psychotic breakdown, it felt like the Holy Spirit left me. I was all alone on that cross. Gradually people abandoned me as they could see there was no hope for progress in my life.
I miss some of my friends from that shitty high school. I don’t know whether they are alive or dead. Whatever the case, they will all have to answer to God for how they treated me.
I had a dream last night that I was trying to become the lover of a girl who didn’t like me in real life. It was sobering. I felt a little negative when I woke up.
But as the day rolled on, I managed to feel more positive. I attribute this to my prayer routine. I try to say prayers from a prayer book at least once in the evening. If I feel more disciplined, I say prayers 3 times a day.
I feel a little more positive by just saying prayers from my Orthodox prayer book. Even though I am baptised as an Orthodox Christian, I do have slight belief in the law of attraction.
I believe that what I give to the world will come back to me. I believe, if I give alms, I’ll be rewarded with eternal rewards.
I feel positive right now, as there are so many positive people on WordPress. It makes me feel a lot better, in contrast to the news.
I try to forgive my enemies in my heart. I am getting less irritable when I am unjustly treated by others.
God may not ‘heal’ us, He wants us to cultivate humility through ‘bearing our cross’ to our own Calvary. That Calvary is the end of our lives.
I am afraid of death, but I am improving.
I pig out on medium spice classic burgers, classic wraps and classic pitas.
I pork up. I never lose the weight.
Chomp.
Nom nom.
The 5 things that make me happy? Prayer, blogging on WordPress, watching YouTube, doing gentle exercises, and sleep.
I had a nap at the end of the day. Thanks to the sedative effects of my medication!
I sure wish my appetite would reduce, so I could lose some weight. I sure wish my energy levels would increase, so I could do some exercise.
I tend to pray 3 times a day from an Orthodox prayer book. I say the Jesus prayer for roughly 10 minutes per day.
Even though I am not working, I feel I could do additional things to improve myself, to incorporate into my self-care routine.
I will practice tai chi at least 10 minutes a day. I will practice gentle stretches at least 10 minutes a day.
Maybe I will go back to learning how to write Chinese characters.
Well, a little self improvement is better than nothing.
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